Modern “prophecy” can be scary.
On the one hand, it can be a great tool for mobilizing your audience. Need books sold? Need a detractor harassed? Need a politician elected? By selecting your preferred outcome and predicting it in a “prophetic” manner, you can manipulate people into helping you make it happen!
But on the other hand, what if your prediction is wrong? Won’t that undermine your standing as a “prophet of God”.
Fortunately, the answer is “No”!
Believe it or not, you can get as much as 75% of your “prophetic” predictions completely wrong and remain a “prophet of God” in great standing! Even better, many “prophets” today are able to substantially increase their product revenue through recurring failed “prophecies”.
Well that’s what we’re here to share with you today! We’re bringing you the complete how-to guide for prophesying future results, just in time for one of this year’s biggest events:
The U.S. Presidential election!
Step 1. Select Your Preferred Candidate
The first step is selecting the candidate you want to help place in office.
It’s important to be very specific with your criteria. Pick a candidate who matches the following qualities:
- Promises to lower taxes in your elevated tax bracket (duh)
- Promises to make any behaviors you don’t like illegal
- Promises to ban any people groups you don’t like (bonus points if the people groups have brown skin)
- Promises to protect you from all the scary stories you’ve heard on the news but never encountered in real life
- Promises to return things to the way they used to be, when the system was even more skewed in favor of your particular demographic
This can be a bit confusing.
A helpful rule of thumb is to rate a candidate’s answers from 1-10 based on how similarly you think Jesus would have answered that question. If the candidate responds exactly like Jesus responded to similar questions, give him or her (but definitely not her) a #10. If the candidate responds the exact opposite of how Jesus would have responded, give him a #1.
Finally add up the numbers and select the candidate with the lowest score.
If you aren’t sure how Jesus responded to questions, you can find the accounts in your Bible – in the chapters of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John. Please note that we did not just say, “Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers & Deuteronomy” (that’s a common confusion).
Now that you’ve selected your candidate, it’s time to prophesy.
Step 2. Prophesy That Your Preferred Candidate Is God’s Chosen
Many rookie leaders think that delivering a fake prophetic word is as simple as standing up on Sunday and throwing in a “The Spirit of the Lord sayeth…”
And that’s why they are rookies.
Unfortunately, nobody is going to simply care about your prediction as-is, ESPECIALLY the people close to you who know how full of shit you are.
No, no, no.
You need to think bigger. You need to find a large audience of scared, isolated, angry people who will eat up your words like candy and spread them around like a California wildfire.
You need the internet.
Here’s how to do it:
1. Record a video or write a Facebook post explaining that your preferred candidate is “god’s chosen”.
Remember, it’s not YOU picking this candidate. That’s not going to fly.
It’s god. It’s all god. It’s always been god. And who are we to argue with god?
Record a nice, high quality video of yourself explaining this concept, or if you don’t have the time, an impassioned Facebook post will do.
2. Connect random Biblical passages and characters to your chosen candidate (bonus points for obscure Hebrew connections)
When prophesying about a candidate, it is absolutely essential that you connect this candidate to Biblical passages and characters.
There doesn’t need to be any discernible rhyme or reason to these connections, but they definitely need to be present.
Try to pick characters that have something to do with government. Daniel and Joseph are always great choices. If you’re feeling really adventurous, you could always throw in an Ezra or Nehemiah. If the candidate is particularly un-Christlike, then Cyrus is usually the go-to pick.
3. Reverse all the arguments you made against that last, awful guy to defend this new guy.
That last guy was horrible. According to you, he was evil and immoral and did not at all act like a Christian. But now people are saying the exact same thing about your pick for this year’s election.
How do you respond?
There’s a Bible verse for that! Just tell them that “man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart” 1 Sam 16:7.
But won’t people accuse you of hypocrisy?
Listen, you are on god’s side here, and the usual rules don’t apply to you. If god wasn’t on your team, then how on Earth did you get so wealthy?
4. Warn people that god will judge anyone who “lifts a hand against his anointed”.
It’s not a legitimate fake prophecy unless there are big-time warnings of judgment.
Be sure to include dire warnings towards the country and the church if your chosen candidate is not elected for any reason. This is an important part of how we cover our bases in case the candidate doesn’t get elected.
When discussing this judgement, be sure to mention all the behaviors you don’t like, any influential people who are speaking out against your candidate, and most importantly, use some sort of phrasing resembling “anyone who lifts a hand against god’s anointed.”
Sure, nobody actually talks this way, but your target audience primarily reads the Bible in King James English, so it’s important to use wording they will recognize as being spiritual and authoritative.
5. Notify your favorite news channels about your “prophecy”.
To optimize your book sales, you really need to go viral, and there’s no easier way to do this than to get your post or video picked up by the news and entertainment channels your anxiety-ridden audience is already reading.
Look for sites that really play up the fear, like to over-spiritualize everything, and have limited journalistic standards. While we wouldn’t want to name any specifics, look for sites that sound similar to The Craze, Crocks News, The 7 Figures Club, and Charisma Magazine.
How do you get on these sites?
Just send them your video or post and the most outlandish headline you can come up with.
Listen, if you can’t get published on a site with THIS as the front page headline…
… what CAN you get published on?
Step 3. Respond To The Election Outcome
Now that you’ve made your prediction and seen it circulated 500 billion times on Facebook, it’s time to sit back and await the election outcome.
If your candidate wins, you just landed your “ministry” career a massive boost!
And when the candidate loses, simply backtrack to the judgement clause of your “prophecy”. The problem wasn’t that you made shit up and called it god for your own personal gain.
The REAL problem here, the problem everyone should really be thinking about, is that the body of christ failed to come together to see god’s chosen placed
on the throne in the White House.
This was a cataclysmic failure by the church and a timely herald of the end times drawing near.
I mean, didn’t you guys hear about those mosquitoes in Miami…
This message is brought to you by Health Supplement #1, Health Supplement #2, Health Supplement #3, & Chia Seeds.
Disclaimer: This article is satire. It is not meant to be a commentary on prophecy in general nor an indictment against any specific ministry claiming to be prophetic.
I predict Goon #1 will win the presidency. Boom! Now buy my ebook! Oh shit… it’s free. Nevermind.